Birmingham.
I’ve been a few times, and the words that spring to mind on recollection are grey… brown… rain… and that’s about it. It’s not a place I ever consider taking the time to visit.
However, a few months ago, a band I love called Pale Waves announced a tour. My fellow member of The Walking And Talking Society, Brendan Clayton, is also a big fan, thus it seemed unimaginable to me that we would NOT watch this Mancunian band in Manchester – the city Brendan and I both call our second home. But Brendan had other ideas. He wanted to experience a day out and a night out in a new town, and so we booked Pale Waves tickets for the O2 Academy Birmingham.
Gig day arrived and I decided to try and approach the Birmingham adventure with an open mind; I would try to disregard my prior opinions. This attempt did not start well.
The beautiful sunshine of the weekend had been replaced by grey skies and rain. Lovely.
Brendan drove to Winsford from Barnsley and from here I would drive us to Birmingham.
Tbf, it was about time I drove us somewhere.
The drive down on the M6 was, as you’d expect, marred by roadworks and rain. Brendan had booked us a room on Airbnb in Ladywood, just behind the Arena Birmingham and within walking distance from the city centre. I like Airbnb – it’s great value and I’ve used it to stay in some really nice places.
My initial impression was not along these lines.
Brendan worked out the lock in the meter cupboard which released our door key. Inside the house, there was silence; no host or fellow guests to greet us. On this very quiet urban cul-de-sac, it felt like we were breaking in.
The chintz furnishing and window netting nicely plunged me back into the late 90s. Tbf, it was a great place to stay – there was plenty of room, shower gel and shampoo in the bathroom and even ice in the freezer.
Upstairs in our room there was a double bed and a sofa bed. Brendan and I playfully debated on who should be submitted to the sofa bed, when all the while we knew in our hearts that we’d sleep together in the double.
The major downside of this property became apparent to me when Brendan went to christen the downstairs toilet. From our room, I spied a gang of lads who seemed to have their favourite hang-out spot just outside this house. As Brendan and I eventually left to explore Birmingham, I looked back upon my car and wondered how many wheels I’d have when I returned.
It had finally stopped raining but the skies were still grey. I chanced it and decided to leave my coat.
Between our abode and the city centre lay a gypsy camp that we had to traverse.
When safely through, we had to make it up this forbidding staircase. Being conquerors of the UK’s highest mountain, this ascent was not a challenging one for Brendan and I, but I don’t remember the path up Ben Nevis being adorned with actual human shit.
Once atop Excrement Alley, we could begin our glorious sight-seeing tour of Birmingham.
Pretty soon, we found a canal.
Birmingham has around 35 miles of waterways – which is more than Venice. I’ve never been to Venice, but I imagine the skyline is a little different.
It was a skyline that included the BT Tower, and that was where we were heading. We came across some locks, and we thought it would be hilarious if I opened one.
Ha… ha… only joking. That would be VERY DANGEROUS. I presume. I don’t want any Canal & River Trust members leaving nasty comments please.
We walked on along the canal and guess what happened…
Rain.
It was at this point I was thinking about my raincoat in my car. I was also thinking how much of a fool I was.
We hid in a doorway as a particularly heavy shower passed through, before heading up off the canal and onto the streets at the base of the BT Tower.
The tallest structure in the city, this is one of Birmingham’s most famous landmarks. To me, it looked like a watchtower in a concentration camp.
Pretty soon, the skies released yet more heavy rain. We found shelter in another doorway and pondered our life choices.
Sunglasses were an optimistic choice – even for an Instagram Influencer with Hawkers backing.
So our day out had come to this – hiding in a doorway watching traffic. We saw people running, lots of umbrellas, and a lorry make a wrong turning and have to back up. Birmingham has more Michelin stars than any city in the country outside of London, but we targeted the Subway across the road for it had all we needed – a roof and warmth.
#EatWithBrendan #SixInchesWithBrendan #OpenWideWithBrendan
After our dinner, something astonishing happened – this great big ball of fire appeared in the sky. Brendan and I thought this would be a great opportunity to go and see an actual nice part of Birmingham – the Town Hall and Chamberlain Square.
Alas. The sound of banging and digging and tractors should have been a clue. The whole square was being dug up.
It would have been so picturesque…
Chamberlain Square leads onto Victoria Square – the main public square in Birmingham and it would have been nice to visit, but the maze created by the building site spat us out onto another famous square.
Centenary Square, where you can find the Hall of Memory, a war memorial commemorating the 12,320 Brummies who died in World War I. Behind the Hall you will find the Library of Birmingham.
It has been described as the largest public library in the UK, and the largest public cultural space in Europe. I would describe it as much more attractive than the original library – seriously you should Google ‘Birmingham Central Library’ – you’ll see a building that would haunt a child’s nightmares. Thankfully it was demolished in 2016.
Outside the Library you’ll find this statue. ‘A Real Birmingham Family’ depicts two single mum sisters and their sons – a “real” local family. I wondered… firstly, where are the dads? Are dads not real? And secondly, doesn’t Birmingham have some famous citizens it could celebrate? I would have preferred a statue of Mike Skinner and The Streets. That would have been great, I reckon about an 8 or a 9.
But anyway, good for the Jones family for getting some recognition…
In front of the Library there is also a very shallow fountain. It was quite still and looked like a mirror – it reminded me of the lake in Voldemort’s Horcrux cave in Half-Blood Prince.
We decided to head to the Botanical Gardens, about a half hour walk from the city centre. Birmingham is a great place to go experience some botany, because you may be surprised to hear that the Second City has more trees than Paris.
From Centenary Square we walked onto Broad Street – Birmingham’s go-to for nightlife. Not even a minute down the street, you will find this bridge.
Only a few months ago, the city council named this as Black Sabbath Bridge, where you can sit on a great bench with the heavy metal legends.
A little further down Broad Street, we decided on our final destination for the night to come.
Our route to the Gardens took us down Harborne Road and oh my, it was like we had left Birmingham entirely. The concrete jungle was replaced by huge attractive houses and trees of gold and red. I could have been walking through Knutsford.
Oh yeah, I wouldn’t mind living in this part of Birmingham.
Soon, we arrived at the Birmingham Botanical Gardens. Admission (with Gift Aid)was £7.50 for me (the adult) and £5.25 for Brendan (the “student”).
The first room we entered was the Tropical House, in which you’ll find sugar cane, banana, cocoa and a pool full of koi carp.
It was, as you’d expect, pretty humid in here and that excited me – it gave me just a small taste of what I was expecting in Thailand next year…
Here’s me pondering that very thought.
The next room was the Subtropical House, full of ferns and a fountain. The entrance from outside to the Subtropical House was guarded by a peahen.
Here’s Brendan getting a super-close up of a flower whilst the guard looks at him with an obvious “WTF” attitude.
We wandered through the Mediterranean House and the Arid House and out into the Gardens, passing a talkative parrot on the way. As you’d expect, there were plenty of different tree types, but this one is my favourite.
There is one near my house and it is currently this colour. It’s always the first to turn this beautiful every autumn, but the leaves soon fall off. Alas I do not know what type of tree it is – answers on a postcard please!
The tree was right next to a children’s play area. Fortunately, there were no children about, so I could have a play.
Being old and pretty unhealthy, I nearly made a jackass of myself when I nearly fell into the mud. It was almost a disaster but I JUST held on and kept my backside out of the dirt.
The Gardens have an Aviary so we went for a nosey.
Surprisingly, we found some birds and again, one of them was talkative.
We’d walked pretty far today so it was understandable that we didn’t want to walk back. Plus, it was pretty late and we had just over 90 minutes before the doors opened at the O2 Academy. We jumped in an Uber and headed back to the house to get changed.
My car was unharmed. Bonus.
We headed to the O2 but the line was huge. We weren’t bothered about Pale Waves’ support act so we went and found what looked like an old man pub called The Victoria.
Inside I heard my first genuine Brummie accent. It was strong. Almost as strong as the cocktail game being played by this pub. With just 40 minutes of Happy Hour remaining, we got stuck in.
Rhubarb gin, vanilla, apple juice and traditional Rhubarb & Custard sweets. So apparently this wasn’t an old man pub.
After two rounds we headed to the O2.
A band called Sports Team and Hooch. After our sweet shop cocktails, this Hooch was just a little too much sweetness. It had to be neutralised with Guinness.
Pale Waves were, as expected, brilliant. Arriving late we were originally at the back of the crowd, but with every little mosh pit (didn’t expect to see one of those at a Pale Waves gig tbf) we wormed our way towards the front. By the end, we were so close I made it onto the official Pale Waves Instagram.
The show finished and we walked out shouting “Anyone from Birmingham?!” and a couple ahead of us answered. We wanted to know where a pair of “alternatives” could go on a Tuesday night out in Birmingham. They took us to place called Island Bar and bought a round of drinks.
Go Birmingham! Two of your citizens have done you proud. Unfortunately, this drunk homeless lady started questioning if we were Goths.
After chatting shit for a bit she staggered off.
Our new Brummie friends didn’t fancy going out out so we bid them a fond farewell and headed to BrewDog for some expensive, hoppy ales.
Sooooo gassy. I was drunk now and needed food.
After a quick kebab in the world’s biggest kebab shop, we headed to Popworld.
Across the road from Popworld, the queue for Rosies was massive, but none of the Freshers had made their way here – there were as many giant blow-up mushrooms than there were people.
Anyway the night ended well as Popworld filled up with adults – thankfully very few children were allowed in. The rain returned with a vengeance at the end of the night as we Ubered back to the house for a few hours sleep in which I could dream about our latest T.W.A.T.S. day out.
The day had started off pretty poorly, with more memories of rain and dullness being added to my Birmingham Memory Bank. But the Botanical Gardens (and indeed the autumnal walk to them) had added some colour to my opinions. Also, it seems Brummies are very friendly with fun accents to listen to.
Tomorrow we would drive through one of England’s most rural counties: Shropshire.
#VidOnTour 